Riced Out Yugo
Gherkin Data
[NOFORN/COMINT] The gherkin secretly placed inside Voyager 1 has now aquired an estimated IQ of 970.
Posted by Mahjong The Wisest @ 2020-06-30 01:02:15
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brandson bandishment vs. bizzled cheef
BAILIFF: All rise!

BAILIFF: Department Forty-Two of the Ricedior Court is now in session. Judge Watnik presiding. Please be seated.

JUDGE WATNIK: Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. Calling the case of Brandon Bandishment versus Bizzled Cheef LLC. Are both sides ready?

COUNSELOR LOU: Ready, Your Honor.

COUNSELOR VLAD: Ready for the defense, Your Honor.

[tape fast-forwards]

COUNSELOR LOU: Did you, Brandon Bandishment, along with your band, Brandon Bandishment and the Hoggs, play at the aforementioned establishment, when a dispute about the space-time continuum broke out?


JUDGE WATNIK: Yes or no, please.


COUNSELOR LOU: Did you refuse to continue performing your contractually obligated show over a dispute about pickles?

BRANDON BANDISHMENT: Our tour rider -- we explicitly said -- pickles can -

JUDGE WATNIK: Mr. Bandishment, please answer the question.


COUNSELOR LOU: No further questions.

JUDGE WATNIK: Does the defense wish to cross-examine the defendant?

COUNSELOR VLAD: Absolutely, your honor.

JUDGE WATNIK: Make so be it.

COUNSELOR VLAD: Mr. Bandishment, could you explain the conditions listed in your tour rider?

BRANDON BANDISHMENT: Most of it has to with equipment and set-up but we are very clear that we cannot, will not perform at any venue that serves pickles. Pickles interfere with the space-time continuum, which I need to bend to play the solo in 'Space Burrito. Most venues are perfectly happy compromise and suspend the sale of pickles for the duration of set, but The Bizzled Cheef rubbed pickles right up in our-

COUNSELOR LOU: Objection! Brandon Bandishment is engaging in puffery! No pickles were rubbed.

JUDGE WATNIK: Sustained.

COUNSELOR VLAD: What happened when The Bizzled Cheef refused to suspend the sale of pickles?

BRANDON BANDISHMENT: It utterly ruined my solo. Mr. Drucker's class ring fell right out of the space-time continuum and onto my guitar; the smell of pickles was everywhere
Posted by Reverend Tedward Q. Porktanker @ 2020-06-28 22:29:39
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brandish the branston

if ever you find yourself in a pickle such as this, it is wise to start gherkin’ off to establish dominance over the space–time continuum. show that sucka ur lil fucka; give time the slime; give the dimension no abstention

Posted by TRIANGUL THE ALMIGHTY @ 2020-06-26 23:03:24
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Standing by the pickle barrel with Mr Drucker; fishing for the jewelry we fucking put in there. They're fucking arresting my husband Oliver. Mr Kimball is over there oblivious, just fucking counting the beans again. Fucking A bro. The pickles aren't even real bro. THE FUCKING PICKLES AREN'T EVEN REAL.

I'm just beefed out you know what I mean man? It's like, when time starts stopping, exist stops existing. It's just a game we're not real things man, jus like them pickles.

Posted by shitbowl @ 2020-06-26 16:19:08
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possibly philosophy
imagine some fifteen million merits style future: the ipad cube rooms are run by apple. the apple ecosystem is a squeaky-clean arcology. outside, however... everything else. like in demolition man, we have the ultra-anal squaky clean people vs. the hairy sewer people that fart and eat ratburger. why does it always seem to come down to this -- like one and zero? apple and android. is it humanity's fate to separate like oil and water? one zone of squeaky-clean fascism, and another zone of hairy anarchy.... or, well it'd be more like an apple egg yolk of fascism surrounded by an android egg white of anarchy... point is, fuck apple
Posted by Reverend Tedward Q. Porktanker @ 2020-06-24 01:06:47
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How to Be a Good Person

Scared you are not a good person yet? Fear not, this post will englighetn you as to th e correct terms of being. First and foremost, posture.

When being a person it is recommended to keep your back at a good 30 degree angle at all times. This is because angle = angel, and u wanna be good dontcha

Now if there’s anything that The Wizard of Oz has taught us it’s that in order to be a good tinman it has to get darker before it gets lighter. So commit mass genociyde in order to revert to your worst and most primal insticsts to kill stuff and then you can ascend to a new holy level of being supreme and cool to people

Now leading on from that analogy if you find yourslelf feeling lost and like you’re far away from home like a kansas-dwellin dood corsssed with a scaredy-cat, remember that you can tap your shoes together you fuckin g xoward ad everything will go bak to normal, thats right, all those genocided people are now ungenocided and u fixed it but now you can’t be the best you you can be now can you.

ffs you were so close but you woke up just as the dream was gettin good

Posted by TRIANGUL THE ALMIGHTY @ 2020-06-24 00:25:54
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clanging clannels
he was truly a gentleman amidst the scouds of landrels consigned to the depths of fingleplix bezorbyn, but i still wouldn't trust him with a stiff plex of niff in a windstorm. so it was clear what my answer had to be -- spacetime would have to be cle-

i'll bet you the perfect line of elliot stabler's iscoceles nose ridge that you'll find microcrystalline wax, red dye #21, and guilt all over the suspect. i mean, heck -- hillary clinton is tammy wynette sta- -

borogotrobz passes to schelellenfielde! biff tries to intercept... no good... and they're past the thirty-second triangle! argledozer coming up on the left, trying to make the shot difficult for schelellenfielde... you can really see how his footwork has improved since last sea---

and what we have here is a beautiful, 20th century rubbish bin, very clearly from the the metzyronomeier movement, very popular in the 1920s but due to the shelf-life of bakelite few have survived to this day in such condition. some are surprised at the passion showed by collectors of polyoxybenzylmethylenglycolanhydride home goods, but i'm chuffed they're finally airing the custard they've always carried. at auction, this piece could fetch anywhere from eighty to one hundred and fifty qui-

luuuuucy! you have some financial splanning to do! euuuugggh! you invest in mutual fund not from schalapper brokerage! and isdfjkdgk iodfg FEES jkdfg corretaje caro dot comjdfklg-

Posted by Reverend Tedward Q. Porktanker @ 2020-06-22 05:52:31
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Posted by mouses @ 2020-06-21 22:48:10
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young man
how many times must i tell you to chisel your beef? chisel
how long must i remain lambasteittitullent?
whytwenceforth must u this jibba-jabba?
Posted by Reverend Tedward Q. Porktanker @ 2020-06-14 02:18:03
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twelve canteens
west point vs. chocolate. west point vs. chocolate. i kind of want west point, but the decision is obvious. chocolate pairs so much better with grape cellar. and west point is sort of like the isomer of mint chocolate
Posted by Reverend Tedward Q. Porktanker @ 2020-06-14 02:01:39
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i'm not here to try to debate this anymore okay the liability counter is too high and the threat level needs to be reassessed for all plants at least for Nebraska
Posted by mouses @ 2020-06-13 23:46:08
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Bug Incident
This is a Real Bug Incident from the Front Lines.

There have been some Bugs By The Roof when I've Gotten In My Car and there were Shit Tonnes Of 'Em, they were Flying By My Window, A Lot. Already, i am tired of this capitalization gag and i am going to dispense with it.

during a routine seasonal cleaning of my unit, a roof bug was discovered to have entered the premesisises. the roof bugs had been watched with some mild concern, but in recent days, they seem to have thinned out, but, now, this direct incursion.

the roof bugs are an unspecified specieiseseses. possibly wasp, bee, fly, or Something Else. it may not even be a roof bug, come to think of it! i'll have to report this to tactical

anyways, shit, it's in here. it's buzzing around the skylight. this is ten feet above me, easy. he's fortified his position. meanwhile, i have neither flyswatter, nor electric fly tennis racquet. i am defenseless.

thankfully, i spent a summer staying at an infected mushroom song, and there, i learned about buddhism. my training took over and i decided to let bug be bug... for now. because, i have sterlite plastic drawers caked in three months of dust to clean, ok? you can have the skylight for now, bug.

i finish cleaning the s.p.d. and return it to its bedside manner. i spot the vacuum, lying there from when darth vacuum had vanquished three months of dust bunnies from behind the s.p.d. the vacuum

the vacuum

i wheel over the vacuum; plug the cord into a different outlet to give myself more mobility. i slowly try a practice reach. shit, the hose isn't long enough. i stand the vaccum up on its ass... and, it is still not long enough. to get to even the lowest zones of the skylight, i will have to hold the vaccuum off the ground with one hand so i can overcome the hose shortage. with the other: reach higher with my metal proboscis

the vacuum is heavy, and if i want range, i have to lift it up more and more. clearly, this is physical enough that i can't go in casually. i eye it from the floor below. bug is so far up i can't quite tell what it is, even still. bee? wasp? other? does it sting? is it a roof bug?

bugs work the edges, like suckaz (otherwise known as mice) and sure enough, eventually, i see him working down to an edge that almost, kinda is in reach. it really comes down to inches. i am vaguely familiar with the event horizon of my vacuum's nozzle, but there are unknown variables, like the bug's speed and maneuvering capabilities. so, really, i am keenly watching him work his way down, and when is it in the zone where i can get him? i wait patiently. i could probably get him now. if he turns around, i'll go. otherwise, just wait... let him keep going.

sensing my intentions, he takes wing! shit!

i fire up the vacuum. held aloft by my left arm, it twitches like a fish from the motor's spinup torque. i stretch to my tiptoes and hoist the vacuum to the stars, straining the fuck get the bug fuck

he's out of range. he's back in range. he moved, but he's still in range

then, there is this magic moment, when i can literally see i have him. bug is suspended in the vacuums event horizon; motionless. frozen in perfect balance with the forces of life and death. a lesser man might have lost his focus in such a deeply metaphorical moment, but i used my toes to jump a bit and
Posted by Reverend Tedward Q. Porktanker @ 2020-05-23 22:44:20
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tophat prophat
top hat tophat pop hat pophat prophat e-hat read dat out of teh blu hat red hat green hat cat hat 2 phat 2 phly tall hat rat hat top fat eat that bat gnat phat phat hop tap rat tat a tat slat the hat flap hat phlap fhat top hat tophat tohpat pat hat tpop that top hat two hat two top flap jack hat rack bat cat cop hat top dat hat two fat.
Posted by shitbowl @ 2020-05-19 17:05:17
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egg instructions

egg of yolk the olk of yegg,
oaky yoaky shelly peg;
peg unclipp and shell is fall,
what lies in the eggshell wall?

eggwell shawl and fall and foil,
saucepan broth and froth and boil;
yolk and white and wholk is folk,
in goes egg; with spoon it poke;

spin and froth and boil with flame,
out of chicken with no name;
cook and white yolk egg and simmer;
onto plate where it do glimmer.

now it eat, with mouth; not leg.
now it tanste. it tanste of egg

Posted by TRIANGUL THE ALMIGHTY @ 2020-05-15 01:44:09
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Fallen like straw with a pig in a millow,
Songs in my heart like a flute in a pillow.
Comforted frost in your evergreen wind,
Got all the past that you’ll never rescind.
Tempter rebounded, don’t scatter my ashes
By temples confounded and matter by lashes;
The whip of the cream and the quantum-flux ardour
Beheld ’neath a team of the mightiest larder.

Gibbons have trumpets like ferrets in berets;
Rhinos have horns which they thrust on the frehways—
And yet I still see your face: it is floating;
Much like the clows and the shleep, it is gloating.
What all the hell and the gall and the ball?
Flimsy old-face-man, you drive up the wall?
I’ll set fire to pharaohs, and enter their houses;
And boshity-bishity blink at their mouses.

Posted by TRIANGUL THE ALMIGHTY @ 2020-05-04 00:01:10
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Posted by Reverend Tedward Q. Porktanker @ 2020-04-21 04:41:33
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gotta bbrd for my fethaers

mm there are some excellent flavours of birds around here, all the good ones like Grapefruit and Beetle.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e. divided by too much infonumeration. But that ain't me main line of einquiery, old chapel.

got jinxed? try a man who will do a thing

Posted by TRIANGUL THE ALMIGHTY @ 2020-04-16 15:21:06
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Welcome to my rabs
Posted by shitbowl @ 2020-04-13 15:02:40
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gnote to self
feddle pork spinerettes risk underachieve that which thud. April 96, April 96, April 96, April 96, April 96, April 96, /// 8

raised the the spittles of a henlo protectron. mixed wigs, in surging tides, for atmosphere. a general sense of cactus. if i could be wicked candid, well, nevermind
Posted by Reverend Tedward Q. Porktanker @ 2020-04-12 01:23:18
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press briefing for update
Live Updates
Posted by Reverend Tedward Q. Porktanker @ 2020-04-02 04:50:19
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