Riced Out Yugo
The Perfect Photograph
I was walking along the dark corridor around 7pm that evening. “What evening?” you ask. Well that is all a matter of opinion my dear boy. The wind was drifting through the semi open windows and causing a calm and almost meditative environment. The aperture was set to 22 so that it would result in the depth of field being at the highest the picture capturing device (known to mortals as a camera) could achieve. This scene had the potential to create a flawless picture: something that had before been unseen to any sentient entity. Without thinking my subconscious told me that it was time, before I knew what I had done I had taken the picture… the masterpiece had been captured. Acting very cautiously I took the capturing device down from it’s sturdy elevated position along the corridor and returned it to my bag where I stored most of my picture stash. As I headed back to my development lair I wondered if it had been too soon and the light was not at it’s full potential… it had been a summer evening after all.

I returned to the lair and began work on the picture. Developing the film was a very delicate process; I had taken 11 pictures before setting up the scene so as to position my precious picture in the centre of the film. When fitting the film into a development tank the areas of the reel most susceptible to damage were blank – causing my photograph to be in the least dangerous area of the reel. After what seemed like days I finished developing the reel and left it to dry in my security vault.

I put on my dragon hide gloves; I only used them for very delicate procedures within the darkroom environment as they were particularly hard to get hold of. They were handmade and flown down from Oridin in Sector 4. Without cutting the specific frame out of the reel (for fear of damage) I put the entire film into an enlarger. Even now it looked brilliant. I had doubts about this being the best photograph of all time at this stage but the rough negative outline gave me a sense that it was definitely the best photograph I had ever taken.

Perfection for such a job was required so I had printed around 100 test strips before I was happy that the lighting was correct on the photograph. I was ready for the final print… the nervousness had finally got to me as I set up the exposure timer for the final time. I could hardly do it but I forced myself to go on: half mad from the endless hours exposed to the chemical fumes of my lair. I took the blank piece of paper over to my trays like a precious gem held in my bare hands (I had become paranoid earlier that the gloves might rip or place small pieces of material onto the paper). My complex techniques with timing between the trays had to rely on my speed at picking the photograph up. It was a tense moment as I placed the print delicately into the first tray.

I’m not sure at which moment I blacked out but I had evidently hit my head on the way down as I woke up on the floor of my lair with my head bleeding onto my hands as I struggled to get up. My first thoughts were ones of confusion and anger but they quickly subsided into panic and terror. “Had I finished the print?” I asked myself frantically as I searched around the small area. But there… floating in the top of my water tray… there it was. I cautiously prodded it with my pair of tweezers and it bobbed on the surface of the water upside-down as if it were taunting me. I picked it up without looking at it to put it through the dryer. I awaited it’s slow arrival as the machine churned it through it’s mechanical system. When it came out the other side of the machine I realised why I had blacked out. It was beautiful… the most wonderful picture of all time. When I looked at it I went into a meditative state of pure happiness. I could not believe that my egocentric attitude at the time of the shoot was completely accurate. It was truly the best picture of all time. After the initial shock had worn off I managed to sleep after the tiring day in my lair… I dreamt of the perfect picture and the scene it had represented. When I woke up I immediately went to look at the perfect picture once more, it was almost orgasmic.

One thing I knew for sure at that stage is I had to preserve this picture – to show it to millions so they could also appreciate the dedication I had put into this most wonderful photograph. I used the only method I knew how to… The Internet. I knew that even after my death, people could look at and take in the scene that I had created. Which brings me on to the photograph itself: even today in my old age it does not bore me to look at the one picture that caused such unimaginable wonder on the first day in which I had created it. I want to share it with you as well… here it is…

Posted by Mahjong The Wisest @ 2008-08-26 00:03:00
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