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There you are, David Nipple-Castle, random moron on the street in Minneapolis. You’ve decided now’s a good time to bump between sidewalk-adorning objects, many of which happen to be lamp posts. Look, this isn’t your personal fucking bumper car rally here. You are not the Mystify screen saver, and this sidewalk is suited towards parallel walking, not this brand of idiocy you call meandering. I don’t know if it’s because you keep getting distracted by the undeniable fact that there just so happens to be oxygen colliding with you every single unmeasurable instance of time ever possibly imagined by some crackpot with a pencil, or if it’s just because you’re an asshole, but you seriously have no concept of foot-based locomotion. When you walk, a god suddenly comes into existence that zooms down from his planet right at you. He sees the way you flop accross the sidewalk and instantly decides that not only is humanity the worst thing to ever exist, even if he suddenly destroyed it with all his holy wrath, it would still be the worst thing to ever exist and then be destroyed, and would be thus not worth eradicating. Instead, he simply goes over to his console and tweaks the knob that says:
INDIVIDUAL MEAN ANNOYANCE RATE
What this does is increase the number of times that fuck in the Escalade doesn’t use his turn signal, or that fuck in his hybrid drives 55 miles per hour when you so desperately need to save exactly 1.2 minutes by driving 25 miles over the speed limit to work. Other instances include random application lockups on your computer, and your cat puking all over the carpet. Fuck you. More on this later.
Originally published at monoperative.net. You can comment here or there.
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