a standard path to first-time dog ownership is seeing someone else's dog fetch the paper, and they are so charmed by this that they develop a powerful urge to acquire a dog themselves, and train it to fetch the paper [and this is how dogs procreate].
i am fundamentally built the same way, but i have some damaged genome -- upon seeing someone's dog fetch the paper, i was so charmed by this that i developed a powerful urge to acquire a dog myself, and train it to bark at salad. instead i got a yellow lab that went into fits of sneezing at the mere sight of celery; no training required.
this was good enough for me at the time, but i'm looking to the future: something something, there are only two possible future for me at 45 years old: 1) i'll be dead, or B) I'll own a house. Personally, I would prefer the latter -- because then I can have a dog. And do this properly
i would acquire a bassett hound train him to howl loudly; mournfully whenever he detects salad in the room. then i can insist he is my service dog, take him to a restaurant, and we'll have a little schtick: I'll say, "Ohhhh, gosh, please, please, get that salad away, for the love of god, you're torturing him" and the situation will be so simultaneously strange and obnoxious that this will actually be done [despite it being someone else's salad at a restaurant i do not own]. at that point, my basset hound would get snoozy in the ensuing awkward silence... and, ideally, fart¹ loudly. "would it be socially appropriate to grimace in displeasure, or would that upset this man's service dog's delicate disposition any further?"
i'm not sure why i'm sure of this -- i have nothing against salad. but i'm sure
¹ Can you train dogs to fart? I mean, there are some things dogs simply can't be trained to do [nodding, whistling, matrix multiplication] and farting might be one of them
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