(AQ News) The President has released a statement loosely implying (but not directly confirming) that his successor might possibly be in a position to perform action(s) that could be equated as "helpful," to the point of being mutually beneficial for all parties involved; perhaps up to the point of some sort of satisfying solution....

(At this point, the president, reeking of cognac, busted beforth from behind the blue curtain, interrupting the podium with a barrage of barely intelligible remarks that AQ news has done its best to cobble together into a continuation of the above statement)

...but, unfortunately the minority party won't let him something something and Snowden upgrading him to a typewriter and fuck off buddy, He's just the president! He's not fucking superman. If he weren't the president, he would likely beat the excrement out of the narrow [ethnic redacted] bottom of the distinguished reporter before him at the time of his statement. He has had enough of your something something.

The president has gone out back for a cigarette. And, presumably, a good cry.

(...is this intrepid reporter a bad enough dude to comfort the president? Stay tuned)