so, you've decided to be a conservative! no, not in the richard hooker/david hume sense, but in the hardcore, chest-beating american sense. here are some basic guidelines for conduct:
- politics is essentially like football: you cheer on your home team and get into drunken brawls with anyone that doesn't support your team.
- it's you vs. the world. the future of the country depends on your staunch unwillingness to let anyone else finish a sentence before busting out the ad hominems ("personal attacks," for those of you that don't speak "libtard").
- you have little to no idea how government actually works, so thank god for Fox News, which is the only source of "real" news out there. Every other station/site is lying, except when they say the same thing as Fox News. If not for Fox News, you might actually have to research something yourself! how dreadful
- it's considered good practice ecstatically revel in schadenfreude when Barack Obama makes the front page of Fox News for fumbling a sentence in a speech. conveniently forget that George W. Bush almost choked on a pretzel, along with 95% of his own sentences.
- make fun of people for going to college, while barely being able to string a coherent sentence together yourself. accuse anyone that can actually write of being a member of Occupy Wall Street.
- awkwardly joke about how it was better when women/niggers/fags didn't vote, since a lot of them vote for Barack Obama. then say "just kidding!" to patch things up
- if someone does not believe in jesus, they are impinging on your religious freedom.
- the only way to deal with iran is with missiles. that's what the sons of bitches get for not recognizing the greatness of america
- most important: if you're feeling frustrated, angry, and screwed over, the best solution is to reject personal responsibility and pin all the blame on some politician you've never met. failing that, try some lite beer.
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