why the fuck do i care? why the fuck do i bother? why not just let the 6234632562345hallucinations take over my life? why not just let insanity absorb me? what makes this existence "real"? what makes it the one truly worth living? what if insanity is enlightenment ?? ? why not just find a better future in insanity. maybe i'm just becoming sane. maybe that is the real world. THE TREES GROW AND REGROW THE FORM OF REALITY IS FLUID THE SNAKES ON THE WALLS ZIPPING PAST LIKE ELECTRONS THE LUNAR LATTICE THE LAYERS OF GLASS PEELING AWAY THE ORGANISMS TAKEN APART AND CAD MODELED AND DIMENSIONED AND LABELED AND SECTIONVIEWED AND CENTERLINES AND DIMENSIONED, THE CUTS AND WOUNDS, THE SCRATCHES THAT I CANT FEEL, THE GREY UNIVERSE. THE ROACHES. I FUCKING HATE FUCKING ROACHES. THEY'RE FUCKING EVERYWHERE, DAMMIT. I FUCKING HATE THOSE FUCKERS. THERE WAS ONE ON THE SHOWER. THERE WAS ONE UNDER MY FUCKING BED. THERE WAS ONE ON MY BROTHER'S FUCKING TOOTHBRUSH (I DIDN'T TELL HIM TO GET A NEW ONE AND I DO NOT FEEL BAD ABOUT THIS AT ALL). THERE WERE 5 AT THE BASE OF THE RED STAIRS WHEN I TURNED ON THE LIGHT AND THEY SKITTERED UNDER THE COUCHES. THERE WAS ONE THAT FLEW AT ME IN BROAD DAYLIGHT AND LANDED ON MY FUCKING CUP OF WATER I WAS DRINKING (I FUCKING KILLED THIS FUCKER). THERE WAS THE ONE IN MY DREAMS THAT CAME AND KILLED ME.WHAT THE FUCK DO THEY WANT FROM ME?!?!? THE IMAGES. THE SHAPES. THE SHADOWS THAT GROW AND FLOW LIKE WATER. CRACKS IN THAT CD THAT GROW OUT INTO THE AIR LIKE A TREE, CRACKED AIR. BROKEN AIR? WHAT THE FUCK. SERIOUSLY, THAT'S COOL BUT NOT COOL AT THE SAME TIME. DON'T FUCK WITH ME LIKE THAT. WHY NEVER PEOPLE. WHY DO THE SOUNDS NOT MATCH UP TO THE VISUAL. WHY DO THEY FLICKER. WHY WHEN I TAKE A CLOSER LOOK, WHY WHEN I WANT TO EXAMINE IT THEY DISAPPEAR. WHY. THE SHEET MUSIC WAS GROWING AND EVOLVING AND POLYRHYTHMS AND COMPLEX CHORDS AND I KNEW IT WOULD BE BEAUTIFUL BUT WHEN I TRY TO LOOK AT AN INDIVIDUAL NOTE TO READ IT TO COPY IT DOWN IT DISAPPEARS INSTANTLY BEFORE I CAN EVEN REMEMBER THE LOCATION. WHY. WHY THE BLEEDING TEXT IN MY 10-YEAR-OLD COPY OF "DUNE". WHY DID THE GRASS WILT. WHY THE FLOW AND EBB OF THEM. WHY THE WHY DID THE SUN TURN BLACK. WHY DOES TIME NOT MAKE SENSE ANYMORE. WHY?? WHEN I CLOSE MY EYES I DO NOT FIND FREEDOM. THE SPIRALS / THE LATTICES / THE GRIDS / THE SHAPES / THE MANDALAS / THE FORM CONSTANTS / THE FUNCTIONS / THE SHAPES.
I'VE BEEN LOCKED UP IN HERE FOR DAYS! You've controlled my every move. You've told me what to eat, what to think, what to say, and when I show a glimmer of independent thought you strap me down, inject me with drugs and call it a treatment! it is truly, the demon of the oceans is at my hand....
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