Riced Out Yugo
things have become too goddamn centralized
used to be -- you sign up for a cell phone thing, you get a phone free with the plan. of course, it's not free [it's built into the price], but, still... just a higher monthly fee; works out. fair trade

now, however, you need to go through a credit check. if your credit is shit, you can't get a phone on a plan. if you refuse a credit check, you can't get a phone on a plan. in fact, even if you refuse a credit check, they will still want your driver's license number, address, social security, DNA sample... or, no phone, sorry. unless you fight, argue... and then, ok, i guess we can, ok. after 2-3 managers are summoned. that they could all along but they don't wanna.

then they get hacked and your credit is fucked because all that shit they demanded is fucking christmas for some asshole from russia or nigera who pay a few bitcoin for access to t-mobile getting hacked. verizon will be next; mark my words

welcome to america, where we have the right to our dreams crushed by consumer credit reporting lacking any sort of coherent security whatsoever despite society tying our ability to function to credit score

i've dodged all this so far, but i'm increasingly terrified. i think i might just have to become genuinely paranoid to survive, and that's no fun at all.
Posted by Reverend Tedward Q. Porktanker @ 2021-08-20 08:35:36
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With Othernatural Flavour
with theese
  within cheese
    euripides, euripides
      within cheese, eruipides gong
Posted by Reverend Tedward Q. Porktanker @ 2021-08-14 06:26:37
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PIRATE
You are blind, or maybe your computer can't display this image. This is normally the part where i describe it to you -- but honestly, i don't even know where to begin. Just get eyes already.
Posted by TRIANGUL THE ALMIGHTY @ 2021-08-12 22:23:30
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A virtual guide to self trepanation
sale on croutons buy 1 get 1 free with Usb data enabled ask the 8 ball for more details cannot be combined with any otter offers does not include nougat .7
Posted by shitbowl @ 2021-08-09 16:47:27
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moth man 24/7
365
Posted by shitbowl @ 2021-07-30 12:52:29
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a fax bin
Posted by shitbowl @ 2021-07-13 16:28:07
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furs for vlad
I decide what entertains YOU! I am a grand member of the extended Neilsen family. So you can just watch those fucking yukon gold marathons or just fuck right off. Sit alone and stare at the fucking wall i don't fucking care. Fuck tour your entertainment. This my job fucker
Posted by shitbowl @ 2021-06-25 16:37:38
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adjustable yugorobics
t h i s w o r d i s s e p e r a t e d b y m o r e s p c e s t h a n y o u r w o r d t h i s w o r d i s s e p e r a t e d b y m o r e s p c e s t h a n y o u r w o r d t h i s w o r d i s s e p e r a t e d b y m o r e s p c e s t h a n y o u r w o r d
Posted by shitbowl @ 2021-06-11 20:49:16
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advanced portable yugo
Nottobragoanythingbuti'mpostingthisfromaBlackBerry,theofficialphoneofROYandohgodhelptheformattingissoboken,ican'tseeewhati'mtypingandmaybethiswasnotagoodidea.Fuckyouandwherearemyparagraphtags,youask?Fuckyouthatsswhere
Posted by TRIANGUL THE ALMIGHTY @ 2021-06-03 22:45:45
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THE ULTIMATE LOGICAL CONCLUSION
above the church, there is this post
Posted by TRIANGUL THE ALMIGHTY @ 2021-06-03 15:08:06
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the church
     _|_
      |
     _|_
    //_/
  __|  ||____
 ////////////
/////////////
|^^^^^^^^^^||+|
|  # # #   ||||
 ....    ....".
|||||||||||||||||



below the church, there is
only so much you can do
Posted by TRIANGUL THE ALMIGHTY @ 2021-05-17 12:22:19
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urgent market lert
DREAM YOY Vented Oven Lid & Advanced 3D Adjustable Sandwich Pusher & 3D Bottom Screen; Netanyahu on Wednesday declared a state of emergency in Lod. The Haystack and HAX radars located in Tyngsboro, Massachusetts collect 600 hrs of orbital debris data per year; It’s unclear if there will be robust PIPE interest in digital media companies. Ether to fresh high.
phace
Posted by Reverend Tedward Q. Porktanker @ 2021-05-13 08:10:05
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the curious case of teal bowling ball in the sinkhole of the furniture district
lewis wants to rescue bowling ball. i kind of do also, but, no, this is seriously dangerous. twice -- twice! i start to venture a little closer, and a luxury automobile whips in, driver deftly straddling giant sinkhole (with teal bowling ball). navigating around teal bowling ball.

but i want it, lewis complains. no, no, i'd be inclined to go for it too, i say, but this is dangerous. people are too psycho here. as if to prove my point, another luxury automobile then whips into our shared consciousness. no, like that strange nickelodeon show with the koala bears, teal bowling ball exists in some one-way nexus protected by hurtling lexus. and also beempfau.

teal bowling ball may still be there. in the dark. waiting for luxury car. neither lewis nor i were able to arrive at any sort of viable theory w/rt how teal bowling ball got there -- much like the forget-me-nots on a very specific section of grass by the road, teal bowling ball is a sport of unexplained origin. at that point i began to declaim the virtues of candlepin, and teal bowling ball was left to brood in its asphalt nest. forever
Posted by Reverend Tedward Q. Porktanker @ 2021-05-08 08:22:56
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fifteen feet per metatarsel
a bargain, i tell ya. you can't finagle a better foot per rate than fifteen, i tell ya (i tell ya) -- and i'd know in my things, because i keep starburst candies in my pocket to warm them up to the proper mastication temperature.... say, would you like one?
Posted by Reverend Tedward Q. Porktanker @ 2021-05-07 03:45:58
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answer the damn phone for christ sake
Posted by shitbowl @ 2021-05-06 13:55:01
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mode RNA cured my tinnitus
the vaccine cured my tinnitus
and also cats like me more
Posted by Reverend Tedward Q. Porktanker @ 2021-05-06 05:05:52
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tinnitus boys are back in town
wat
Posted by shitbowl @ 2021-05-05 16:23:37
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a departing nokia CEO's final words
have never ever always but may someday
have sometimes kinda maybe but didn't yesterday
didn't have to master gravy but did anyway
penne qué pasta hegemony

EBITDA! *throws peace sign*
Posted by Reverend Tedward Q. Porktanker @ 2021-05-01 03:58:59
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movement of the future
we're all familiar with porta-potties. you lock the door after entering, and the indicator placard switches to "occupied." while this covers the essentials, i believe humanity is destined for greater things: in the year 2032, when you slide that latch to "occupied," that's just beginning. to wit:

1) occupying the unit wakes up the portastall AI
2) upon waking, the portastall AI verifies its systems. on error, the system will not even accept explosive diarrhea.
3) if all systems are go, the stall goes into poop mode:
  • A Die Hard 1 Nakatomi-plaza grade electromagnet KERCHUNKS into action, locking the door and committing you to the process (men of the future are decisive).
  • Electromagnetic shielding activates to prevent cosmic rays from interfering with your dump.
  • The portaunit begins pumping out high-BPM, high-decibel DnB/Jungle music with lots of Amens at a few thousand watts. Not only does this serve as a bona fide sonic laxative, it lets anyone within a half-mile radius know that this portaunit is most definitely fucking occupied, saving them -- and you -- a wasted trip.
  • As the DnB music heats up, the portaunit warms up the power amplifiers responsible for the laser show, and uses heuristic algorithms to sync the laser show to your dump progress.
  • Once you finish, the portastall takes off like George Clinton at the end of a late 70's set.
  • As you breach the stratosphere, the portastall calculates whether you are a VIP (and tries to sell you "bottle service") or Not-VIP (and calls SWAT because you are clearly a terrorist).
  • The portastall reaches a stable orbit.
  • After a few hours, you run out of oxygen, and die.




it takes innovation to realize a vision -- and i'm innovating all day long. consequently, i've penciled this in as stage 46c of the business plan. unfortunately, a 2032 launch is shaping up to be a tad optimistic, as legal advises me that it may take a bit of finagling to get suborbital portastall drones through the FAA approval process. even still, margins are projected to be generous so long as FAA approval comes sooner than 2047***, at which point we'll fall back to plan 88a (space needles).


***bootnote: lines in excel's chart wizard indicate that mankind will merge with AI circa 2049, after which portastalls will cease to be used. consequently, we need to get this to market by 2047, or we'll miss the window.
Posted by Reverend Tedward Q. Porktanker @ 2021-04-13 22:03:54
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newly unearthed syd-barret proto-rap
i got cheese in my pocket
macaroni in my sprocket
aleph(int)s want to wall-it
my function picante max(chalet)
mixolydian funk drum machine valet(hey)
ergo tryvintz twill wafflepottijng since effervintz in aleph(int)s
wu wu wu wu wu wu

chyebaym.
Posted by Reverend Tedward Q. Porktanker @ 2021-04-08 06:48:23
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